07-07-2011, 09:20 AM
Yeah, it's kind of mushy 
... but your girl loves it, and she's probably your most important audience for this, so that's a win already
It does read as kind of cliche, which I understand because like you said you wrote it on the fly and thus kept to very easy, obvious rhymes (I guess there's a charm to it though). One concrete thing I could suggest is maybe write a more definitive last stanza, something that nicely wraps up / sums up the poem.
... but your girl loves it, and she's probably your most important audience for this, so that's a win already It does read as kind of cliche, which I understand because like you said you wrote it on the fly and thus kept to very easy, obvious rhymes (I guess there's a charm to it though
). One concrete thing I could suggest is maybe write a more definitive last stanza, something that nicely wraps up / sums up the poem.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?