02-09-2010, 04:53 PM
Hi Logan! Welcome to the forum 
Okay, first the comments. I think your poem starts out strong, where you're just describing the scenario. The simplicity, the almost innocence of the way you said you "found the gun" and "found the bullet" lying around... the singsonginess gave an interesting contrast to the bleak menace of your subject matter. i quite liked it.
But when you begin the moment "I'm hating the moment I hear the sound..." the poem started to weaken just a bit. This is because rather than spelling out how you feel, in poetry it's always better to come up with more creative ways to express that emotion without being too literal. Also as billy pointed out, in the first few lines you had a very definite rhythm and rhyme scheme, that you abandoned after around the fifth line. If you're decided on a form, try as much as possible to be consistent with it.
Well, sorry for the long comment :blush. I liked the poem, and I think it would be great with a few edits, so don't let the length of the comments discourage you. This is all meant to be constructive, which is what the pig pen's about.
Thanks so much for sharing your poem, and welcome!
Okay, first the comments. I think your poem starts out strong, where you're just describing the scenario. The simplicity, the almost innocence of the way you said you "found the gun" and "found the bullet" lying around... the singsonginess gave an interesting contrast to the bleak menace of your subject matter. i quite liked it.
But when you begin the moment "I'm hating the moment I hear the sound..." the poem started to weaken just a bit. This is because rather than spelling out how you feel, in poetry it's always better to come up with more creative ways to express that emotion without being too literal. Also as billy pointed out, in the first few lines you had a very definite rhythm and rhyme scheme, that you abandoned after around the fifth line. If you're decided on a form, try as much as possible to be consistent with it.
Well, sorry for the long comment :blush. I liked the poem, and I think it would be great with a few edits, so don't let the length of the comments discourage you. This is all meant to be constructive, which is what the pig pen's about.
Thanks so much for sharing your poem, and welcome!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?