02-09-2010, 01:18 PM
hi Logan
we don't rate poetry here we just like it.
remember this is the serious critique forum and as such you'll get in depth feedback of what some (me at least
) think. do not take anything personally and know that you don't have to use and advice given.
i'll put the feedback in the body of the poem.
if you've heard a phrase such as; the love of my life, it usually means it's cliche.
at this point in your writing i'd suggest you post your poems in mild critique section and that way i'll concentrate on a specific point. it will make it easier for you to take in and you won't feel like the world is o your shoulders.
thanks for posting the poem logan. as a poet we don't need ratings, we only need to want to improve and to write.
we don't rate poetry here we just like it.
remember this is the serious critique forum and as such you'll get in depth feedback of what some (me at least
) think. do not take anything personally and know that you don't have to use and advice given.i'll put the feedback in the body of the poem.
(02-09-2010, 11:46 AM)Logan Wrote: Russian Roulettesome of the lines are old phrases. you need to try and be original.
by Logan Glenn
to start with it's too telly and lacking in imagery.
you need to show the reader as opposed to telling them
IE An image (not necessarily) the right one:
the Russian wheel of fortune
dressed itself in pearl and lead
the circle sat, alabaster scared
waiting for that iconic death
click...
my hole puckered
with instructions
don't you dare pull that
click...
We found a gun to play Russian roulette the first line like many tells us a
Looked around and found one bullet story, they need to show it.
Sat in a circle and began the game
Pulled the trigger and nothing came
I’m hating the moment ill hear the sound the rhyme scheme is erratic
Of somebody hitting the ground
How could I pull the trigger it starts off AABBCC
Killing the love of my life then goes way off course.
No matter how this ends
It will cause great strife
I tell her I love her
Then the moment came
Pulled the trigger
And ended the game
With blood on my hands I look in the mirror
The only reason to live is gone
No love, Only pain
I look by the sink and find one bullet
Two people died playing Russian roulette
if you've heard a phrase such as; the love of my life, it usually means it's cliche.
at this point in your writing i'd suggest you post your poems in mild critique section and that way i'll concentrate on a specific point. it will make it easier for you to take in and you won't feel like the world is o your shoulders.
thanks for posting the poem logan. as a poet we don't need ratings, we only need to want to improve and to write.