06-25-2011, 03:24 PM
Dear live Billy,
Thank you for a most excellent critique. Do you know, I never even noticed the second use of "loose"? I think I'll change L5 to "freed". I think I'll leave "in the gyre" though, I really want the idea of being inside the vortex itself.
I will think on "revelation". Sometimes people need a bit of a nudge, you know? They're not all as switched on as yourself. I agree with you about "waste" though. I will have to think of an alternative, and I think I'll need to get rid of "desert" in that line altogether or I'll lose the meter.
Thanks again.
Regards,
Dead Billy.
Thank you for a most excellent critique. Do you know, I never even noticed the second use of "loose"? I think I'll change L5 to "freed". I think I'll leave "in the gyre" though, I really want the idea of being inside the vortex itself.
I will think on "revelation". Sometimes people need a bit of a nudge, you know? They're not all as switched on as yourself. I agree with you about "waste" though. I will have to think of an alternative, and I think I'll need to get rid of "desert" in that line altogether or I'll lose the meter.
Thanks again.
Regards,
Dead Billy.
It could be worse