~oPuS~ Revison

[ficosdarkness]

Slipping away to the place that I come from, is that needed?
where I can't hardly breath, I find comfort in pain.
Sliding barefoot across the razors edge of madness, razor's
then turning right, just shy of my insanity,
because I don't want to get left.

Day tripping to the dead zone,
with booby traps and IED's
carefully placed along the way,
in case someone gets in or I get out.

I arrive upon a gate made of solid alabaster,
smooth and cold to touch, like the face of death.
Too heavy for me to push open, too slick for me to climb.
I find myself peering through a keyhole...
I spy with my eye, La carnival de morte' !

Beyond the door, another world,
protected like area 51,
with 12 foot high electrified fences
topped with barbed wire, the wire wrapped
with white twinkling lights and party balloons.

Over head, just within reach,
a catcher is suspended upside down from his trapeze,
his calloused hands prepped with chalk,
reaching out, he waits to swing me over the fence
to the dark side where my "mojo" lies.

It's Studio 54!
A haunted disco tech full of shiney people
dancing the dance of the dead,
coming alive to the white noise in my head.

The dance floor, confetti freckled with vivid colors that pop!
Brilliant blood reds, mixed with deep purples
and even richer blue's swirling about like tiny tornados.
They take their form as cuts and bruises,
that I wear like my own crown of thorns,
producing the dopamine that feeds my flow.

I squint my eyes to bring my fantasia in closer,
re-establishing our intimacy, is our needed?
allowing the pain to become real.
It's a techno colored dreamscape
set on a backdrop of pitch black darkness.

I have to move around myself, to get to me,
realizing that I'm just as far in as I'll ever be out.
Coming and going to bring back pieces,
for approval, accolades or sustenance.
Gas, grass or ass no one rides for free.

Knowing that if I stay too long or go too deep, is that needed?
I may not be able to find my way back.
I need more time on this side,
to look for a rusty tin box, shaped like a heart,
that I put out of my way long ago.

The box is full of tiny chards of brightly colored glass
and a handful of little sparkling orbs.
They bring to mind the old time disco balls
that spun to life the "thumpa thumpa"
beat of days gone bye.

Yet those shiny little bobbles
in that rusty heart shaped box
are not what I came here for.
I'm looking for a part of my soul,
the part that I give away in verse.

Soul searching for my "ch'i".
I've stashed it here, behind an old fun house mirror.
I have to bring back a gift never offered before,
so I lay myself open, in the form of a stanza,
a metaphoric blood letting, for the masses.

Painting pretty "Picasso like" pictures of my guts,
using colors that pop, brilliant blood reds
and deep purples with even richer blues,
I paint a verbal portrait simply titled...

~oPuS~

a brave edit and one that really improves on the original Fd. just a couple of small nits but nothing much. nicely done. jmo

billy,
The first line is our jumping off point if I took that one Ln 2 would have to follow. I think, yes it's necessary because it is something that happens with me, 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, then 5 to the side! Pain IS where I find comfort unfortunately 86% of the time. Good catch on the 's in line 3! I love your eye! "our" in p8 Ln 2 not necessary at all, thanks for that! p10 Ln 1 again factual and I think necessary to the flow, but oh how I do love hat eye! Thank you again billy you're awesome!
fd

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I see you went with Jack's verses suggestions with the edit, plus taking some stuff out. It did make it reader-friendly, and as for flow I thought it was already excellent from the original so no problems there.

It was a joy to re-read this. You took what should be dysfunctional thoughts and emotions, and you turned it into something beautiful and empowering and electrifying. In this poem, you were to the reader like a psychedelic, feminine version of Prometheus. A great trip.

Dig it! How "groovy" to be able to take a trip without drugs or money, yeah? I knew that Jack was knocking on the right door with his suggestion just like when billy suggested shorter sentences to add form in a prior piece. I want you all to know that I'm learning a great deal and appreciation does not begin to descibe how I feel with your critique's. I know that my poetry is a bit on the dark side but so am I, that makes the actual writing of the work kinda' painful. I feel like the fun part is the times when you all jump in here with me, you bring a candle in the darkness. Sometimes billy brings a torch but light is light in the abyss! I am always grateful however See you all on the next ride!
fd