06-08-2011, 05:20 PM
Thank you both for reading and giving your feedback, Billy and Addy, I'm very grateful.
That critique is fantastic, Billy. I will take your points on board and start work on a revision. Regarding the removal of the "I's" and "me's", I think that'll be a little challenge for me - to go through the whole poem and work out alternatives/removals. I'll also look at enjambment a bit more. As I might have stated in other posts, I am an amateur poet with no real formal knowledge of things such as this. The poem itself was written in a stream of consciousness way whilst walking around the "city" mentioned in the first few lines. When I got home, I tried to get it all onto the paper before forgetting anything, and ultimately I liked the way the verse was broken and ragged, which is why some of the line breaks are random, as Addy mentioned. I also found it hard to edit it myself without any critique as I had become so used to this piece as it was. Your suggestions for the "wearing clothes that are two days old" section are brilliant. Just goes to show how small edits can improve the verse dramatically.
Addy - I'm very glad it affected you in that way, after all that was my intention. Apologies for leaving you shaken though! Another reason this one was left without an edit for so long is the simple fact that I found it difficult to re-read at times as it's obviously a very personal poem and reflects a certain time in my life that I found hard to change, for better or worse.
I'm looking forward to getting some time alone to make a few changes to this poem, thank you both so much.
That critique is fantastic, Billy. I will take your points on board and start work on a revision. Regarding the removal of the "I's" and "me's", I think that'll be a little challenge for me - to go through the whole poem and work out alternatives/removals. I'll also look at enjambment a bit more. As I might have stated in other posts, I am an amateur poet with no real formal knowledge of things such as this. The poem itself was written in a stream of consciousness way whilst walking around the "city" mentioned in the first few lines. When I got home, I tried to get it all onto the paper before forgetting anything, and ultimately I liked the way the verse was broken and ragged, which is why some of the line breaks are random, as Addy mentioned. I also found it hard to edit it myself without any critique as I had become so used to this piece as it was. Your suggestions for the "wearing clothes that are two days old" section are brilliant. Just goes to show how small edits can improve the verse dramatically.
Addy - I'm very glad it affected you in that way, after all that was my intention. Apologies for leaving you shaken though! Another reason this one was left without an edit for so long is the simple fact that I found it difficult to re-read at times as it's obviously a very personal poem and reflects a certain time in my life that I found hard to change, for better or worse.
I'm looking forward to getting some time alone to make a few changes to this poem, thank you both so much.