06-08-2011, 10:26 AM
this for me a really good verse.
a few probs with it and the poem in general.
I lay prone,
with as much of the barrel in my mouth as possible, is 'as much' of and 'possible' needed
agitating my tongue
and throat these two lines tell how deep it is
as I masturbate to orgasm
and I am suddenly in a state of worship is 'and' needed?
to both the pistol in my mouth is 'the' needed
and the erect penis in my hand,is 'the' needed
revealing themselves to me is 'to me' needed?
as powerful monoliths that I own. ; is 'that i own' needed you have tem so we know you own them so to speak.
for me the baggage (excess words) need removing in order to tighten it up. take out anything that doesn't add to the poem, specially to a poem as powerful as this one is supposed to be.
the other point i want to mention is enjambment;
the sound would more closely resemble a piece of beef on a stone slab
the
sound of meat reforming under intense pressure.
on the above line bad use of enjambment really stops the flow and the power of the piece. once you get the idea of how enjambment works you can play about with it a little. when used this way it deters from being poetical as such and gives you and the reader lots of problems.
a 2nd 2nd point
try to get rid of as many I's as possible. me's to.
example;
I am remove this line
wearing clothes that are two days old.
I did not wash this morning, I remove 2nd I
did not even look in the mirror; I avoid reflection. remove the ';' and change 'I' to 'to' that takes care or 3 'I's. in four lines.
i think you have a good poem in there, you just need to let it out with a good strong edit. jmo
thanks for the read.
a few probs with it and the poem in general.
I lay prone,
with as much of the barrel in my mouth as possible, is 'as much' of and 'possible' needed
agitating my tongue
and throat these two lines tell how deep it is
as I masturbate to orgasm
and I am suddenly in a state of worship is 'and' needed?
to both the pistol in my mouth is 'the' needed
and the erect penis in my hand,is 'the' needed
revealing themselves to me is 'to me' needed?
as powerful monoliths that I own. ; is 'that i own' needed you have tem so we know you own them so to speak.
for me the baggage (excess words) need removing in order to tighten it up. take out anything that doesn't add to the poem, specially to a poem as powerful as this one is supposed to be.
the other point i want to mention is enjambment;
the sound would more closely resemble a piece of beef on a stone slab
the
sound of meat reforming under intense pressure.
on the above line bad use of enjambment really stops the flow and the power of the piece. once you get the idea of how enjambment works you can play about with it a little. when used this way it deters from being poetical as such and gives you and the reader lots of problems.
a 2nd 2nd point
try to get rid of as many I's as possible. me's to.
example;
I am remove this line
wearing clothes that are two days old.
I did not wash this morning, I remove 2nd I
did not even look in the mirror; I avoid reflection. remove the ';' and change 'I' to 'to' that takes care or 3 'I's. in four lines.
i think you have a good poem in there, you just need to let it out with a good strong edit. jmo
thanks for the read.