~oPuS~ Revison

[ficosdarkness]

hi fd.
i like the title and the fact it has musical connotations because i feel the poem has the same.
it feels like the 1st person in the poem (not necessarily the writer) is really opening up.

a good train of thought poem that has a lot of powerful lines in it.
a few nits first, redundant words;

Slipping away again,
back to this place that I come from
in the above again is redundant because of the second line.
moxy is used 3 times, can another word be used to replace two of them.
and lastly, do you think it would be better if you took out stuff you think don't add to the poem. something which is hard for a poet to do
specially if it's a personal piece which i suspect this is.

nits out of the way, i love how much you put into the poem, it overflowing with thoughts taking us from one place to another at a rapid pace. the pin in the poem is evident, but on another level it feels like theres something else like hope waiting to be found, maybe in the inner self of the fist person. it also shows how hard it can be to wrench a poem from the emotional us and put it too paper.

a gift that I've never offered before.; i think that's what all poets strive for.

thanks for the read Fd (jmo)

Billy,
"Slipping away, back to this place that I come from" works nicely. You're right it is redundant, thanks for that. "Mojo", "Chi", "flow" that's a can do as well. Nice catch, I don't want to fall back into that repetition groove. I think there are some noncontributing lines/words that can definately be trimmed out, good stuff Billy thank you. I'll shake the tree and see what leaves fall out. This one was a ride for sure, I'm looking for something... I'll find it. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it!
fd