Rain

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I like this one, and I don't have incredibly strong thoughts on suggested changes. So, weigh these comments as moderate opinions nothing more.

I used to wonder why it always rains
in blockbuster films
as the monster obliterates Manhattan
and the soldiers tremble like kids playing War.

I love this opening sequence. I think L1, 3 and 4 are just great. I really like L4 out of the bunch, but L1 with your ending is also very strong. I am not however fond of L2. I don't like that blockbuster is also a corporation (albeit a failing one). I don't think the words themselves are enough to carry the line, and I don't think that it's ultimately necessary when a monster itself and the midget later denote that this is a movie scene.

It's forever night in the business district--love this line
as the shadow of a scale appears on a cubicle wall,--shadow of a scale is great here
the heroes wearing slickers as stop signs and cars
glisten through the relentless downpour.

Then I grew up and realised that--not sure about the break on that. You might want to consider moving that down a line.
it was to obscure the special effects;--absolutely love this idea
our vision is short in falling monsoons.--not sure this line is necessary
We can't see far enough to make out the midget
operating the controls in Godzilla's head.--These two lines are brilliant

The urban landscapes of darkness and damp--beautiful writing
these cut-price visionaries create
hold an accidental charm.--accidental charm is excellent
Imagine. You and I standing on Main Street--nice transition and good build toward the ending
as the ugly monuments to greed,--a little telling here. It's okay that this is here but you could cut it without losing much...pure judgment call
the dilapidated apartments and crumbling bars--great descriptive elements
become little more than blurry neon.--I love this
I take your hand as the camera pans out
revealing what looks like an undeveloped photograph,
and you and I in the centre, the sole definites.

--These last four lines sort of make up the poem in the poem. It's also about how we are indistinct with one another. This is all very cool.

Thanks for the read Jack. It was very fun and made me think about the ending. Of course, use what you will ignore the rest.

Best,

Todd