The Haunted House

[billy]

first off excellent effort jack, simply excellent.

you read up on the shakespearian sonnet didnt you you bad boy.
what we have to watch for when doing a sonnet is the fact we often slip into archaic yoda speak.
which is okay in a period piece but not in a current one.

the other main thing on the sonnet is enjambemt
if we read it it has a see saw quality that moves from line to line repeating itself in recurring iams short foot/long foot; ie;
am i am i am i am i am i.

it then starts again exactly the same way on the next line.
am i am i am i am i am i.

blue sky would be the reverse of this.

blue sky on the same line would be correct.
blue
sky
on two line reverses the foot of the iamb.
and we end up with ;
am i am i am i am i am i.
i am i am i am i am i am.

the break up of the sonnet you did really well. though it can be broken in many ways, i prefer the breaks you did with the verse.
i think the content is secondary when embarking on a sonnet, as more heed be spent at first on the form.

a lot of modern sonnets, non shakespearian don't hold with the iams. metre or style. personally i think if you want to write a sonnet you should learn a few of the classic ways.
thanks for the read jack hope you stick with it.