If, If (Re-write)

[ficosdarkness]

I liked it very much, went straight to my heart. (I've saved it )
For me it felt sad and full of hurt ... unrecognition for all that you have or want to offer another.

These were my most favorite lines:
If I were your joy,
would you live in misery,
to show me that you're in control? very profound, and discerning

If I were life,
would you sentence yourself to death,
before you realized that I make a difference?

Thanks so much, Kath!

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Hi ficosdarkness,
I loved this so much that I shared it with my husband who also really enjoyed it.
While neither one of us knows anythings about poetry, he did make a suggestion that the plexiglass seems
out of place as everything else seemed natural.
He thought this might fit.

If I were the sun,
would you walk in the shadows,
to keep my warmth from touching your skin?
If I were the wind,
would you huddle behind a rock
to keep me from flowing across your body?
If I were a tiny blade of grass,
would you mow me down,
to keep me beneath you?

Again, thank you for the poem

I love that line, Kath may I use it??? You're husband is right "plexiglass" is out of place, but the rock fits perfectly!

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This is an excellent poem. Your vision is clear and enviably focused, with some great metaphors for what seems like a destructive but somehow co-dependant relationship. The only quibbles I can think of is that you spelled cadence slightly wrong ("c" should go where you put the "s") and the comma between "blood" and "coursing" isn't really needed.

Thank you Heslopian!!

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hi Fd great to see you back

first off; if you do an edit try and put the new edit above the original poem in a new thread.
i had to hunt the old one down then open 2 screens

2nd ...wow, what a huge big difference. the edit has much more depth, more imagery and more cohesiveness
you did a major edit and its much much better. i see you took some of the things that were remarked o and used them to good purpose.
not sure about the If, If at the end but the poem holds its own now. well done. you took a big step

Thank you Billy! I took all of the constructive critiques and applied them. I found that it made for a pretty smooth read!! Thanks to you and all that helped with this piece, you all made a big difference by helping me with a bit more clarity with this poem!!!