Shipwrecked

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Here are some comments for you below:

this is a re-write of this poem: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=2580

I feel there's so much emptiness--I think you could cut there's and tighten the line without losing anything
on the upper floor of this burger joint,
where green and blue chairs with slanted legs
lean against splintered tables,--these two lines are nice description
opposite leather sofas and--don't really like line breaks on and
a partition of grim latticework,
a perfectly measured wooden grill.
my fingers are covered in mauve garlic sauce
as I ravage the intestinal crime before me,--nice line
the limp grizzled beef like a mummified corpse.
I swam here in the dark wearing my black coat,
jumper, cap, and sunglasses,
a Russian agent from a very bad film.

a plump young woman sweeps the floor--does young really add anything to the line? Is it necessary for the poem? It seems like a vague modifier. Plump holds its own though
wearing an all black uniform,
like how you'd imagine a waitress would dress--not sure you need you'd imagine.
if she worked on the Death Star.
outside neon signs distinguish closed shops
and this is an island for the life that remains.--good line and I think an important one for the point of the poem
I finish my coke, chew the ice cubes,--maybe "I chew the ice cubes of my epmty coke" (debatable I know)
bust my tray then leave the shore.--again nice move back to the island image. Now should bust be buss. It comes from Buss Boy so I'm thinking it should

Some nice lines Jack. It sets a scene and a mood well. I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd