Shipwrecked

[billy]

this is a re-write of this poem: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=2580

I feel like there's so much emptiness here is like needed, is here needed??
on the upper floor of this burger joint,
where green and blue chairs with slanted legs
lean against splintered tables,
opposite leather sofas and
a partition of grim latticework,
a perfectly measured wooden grill. good image from from lines 3 through 7
my fingers are covered in mauve garlic sauce
as I ravage the intestinal crime before me,
the limp grizzled beef like a mummified corpse. is mummified the right word?
I swam here in the dark wearing my black coat,
jumper, cap, and sunglasses,
a Russian agent from a very bad film.great last three lines of this verse

a lone young woman sweeps the floor is lone redundant?
wearing an all black uniform, reiteration of black
like how you'd imagine a waitress would dress
if she worked on the Death Star. like these 1st 4 lines
outside neon signs distinguish closed shops
and this is an island for the life that remains.
I finish my coke, chew the ice cubes,
bust my tray then leave the shore. excellent last 4 lines

what an improvement. the re write is for me, way better, some good images.
some great lines. i like the island/shore metaphor you have going on in the last verse.
and the russian agent lookalike.

the beginning or the poem sets up the rest of the narrative and this time we have more depth to the scene. i also think the title is really working well and gets hooked back to from the last verse.
thanks for the read.