(content warning) A Doomed Scherzando

[Todd]

Hi Jestalessa,

I'm going to one point that Addy raised. I'd consider making the title do more work for you. I'm not a fan of the notes. The poem needs to draw us to Dante on its own. You mention the inferno in here as well as the second and the eighth (ring).

To the lines themselves (this is all just my opinion use what you like discard the rest. Some of this may come across as harsh because text can't convey tone but it isn't meant to be in any way):

Haughty eyes --I don't think these words are a strong enough opening. They are too static--nothing drives me to the next line. As I scan through these lines the strongest ones in the first section are either "My splintered conscience is only kindling" or "Nothing of ours, Darling,/was ever enough" I would consider starting with one of them probably the second one. Just a thought.
I turn on your nodding, Darling,--why is this line important?
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;--I'm not trying to cut everything but this almost seems parenthetical I think you could cut it as well
not till you're sleeping.
My splintered conscience is only kindling --I like this line though you could probably make it stronger by cutting the adjective "splintered" it weighs down the line a bit (judgment call of course)
for the blazing inferno--I'd like to see a different lead in word than blazing I think it's implied by inferno. However, this is a nice subtle way to introduce Dante
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence--I think you could cut this and move right to the feeling in the next line I don't think these static words do much for you
tingling with promise
of lust ---I don't think you want to introduce this concept by name at the very least you should probably delay until you've introduced the Second (so that you can subtlely link these concepts in the readers' minds
promises, trust broken, but --now we have the Eighth but this doesn't stand out as much as lust did earlier. I don't know if you need both promises and trust. Simply one would still say the same thing. You may want to pull nothing up a line breaking on a conjunction here is weaker than it needs to be.
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough.--I like these last two lines. They are ambiguous sure but they are interesting all the same.

...............................

My sentence might have been laid--unless you are hinting at the colloquial use of "laid", I think you could cut the word
to the Second* ---the capitalization is a good hind here. I also think you could pull seduced up to the end of this line you're asking a lot of it to carry the line alone
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers--you have an opportunity here. If you reverse these too lines and cut the "too" before smooth you could use smooth and quick to play both ways with the lines above and below it. For instance:

the devil's fingers
smooth and quick
lips, tongue, dick drew juices (although dick drew juices is a bit awkward). Something to consider

lips, tongue, dick drew juices:
sweet respite
from angels' tunes--tunes and sung is a bit redundant maybe "from angels songs"
sung constant in my mind. --If you do that you could cut sung here

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth** --another good Dante reference...you could shorten it a little (an option only): But my soul was assigned to the Eighth
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously--this may read better cutting the "by" and pulling up the next line
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining--not sure if this or the previous line are necessary. Again just my opinion from the read, if you want them for the rhythm of course it's your call
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips
of spinning ties --A stronger image here please.
to wrap them to tips--not sure if this adds enough. You could cut it
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes' --maybe put ticking and tocking ahead of this line
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando.

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other--Feels like there should be an Each at the beginning of this line (which would necessitate changing blame to blames).
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego, --this would be a stronger line and line break if you cut "for ego"
their own interests
slightly strained
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.

And one long day
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels.--Now here's the rub of it all, the strongest lines in the poem are the final four. In some ways, I think they are the poem, and I'm not saying that to imply that the rest has no value. It's a cool ambitious concept. You want your endings and beginnings to be strong. This ending is great.


*'Second' and 'Eighth' referring to the circles of Hell in "Dante's Inferno".

Scherzando - a musical term meaning "playfully"...it's a mood of music.

I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with this. Though I believe in its content, I'm not sure if I properly conveyed a feeling or connected with the reader (among other things). Rip 'er up, Ladies and Gents. [:

I hope some of that was helpful. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd