Flight IB7453

[heslopian]

This poem leaves me torn. On the one hand I find your metaphors and similes exquisite, on the other the narrative jars me, as it seems to be always contradicting itself. The effect is rather like a car which has been assembled from ill-fitting parts, ones that are nice to look at, but don't push the engine forward.

Flight IB7453.

He is tall,
thin, as if left unfed Is "left" needed?
and suited in pin-stripes, no less.
It doesn't take away from his daddy-long-legs ideal. "Daddy-long-legs" sounds like too many words. Would something with shorter and fewer syllables like "spidery" work better?
I rest my head on the seat,
twist my knees out to the window
and watch
the white length of metal cut through our shared, charlatan sky. Love this line, though I had the same problem as Billy with it. In the end I assumed you were referring to the wing on the narrator's side of the plane.
Over the edge of golden-brimmed glasses and a particularly formal newspaper, I think "rimmed" would make more sense than "brimmed."
he watches me.

He is tall also,
muscular,
when he walks down the isle
every woman, every man and every child
is drooling, like a seventy two year old man getting his fix of perky, youthful breasts, their momentary Jesus. Both similes here are excellent, but they don't really work together. "Youthful breasts" and "Jesus" aren't an ideal mix. I'd suggest picking just one. I would personally pick the the latter.
His eyes are the green pools Bambi could run through, Beyond fantastic. My favourite line.
his lips, the cherries, ripe for picking Are the commas needed?
and the slightly see-through t-shirt only aids my curiousity, unsure of anyone else's. Should be "curiosity." Also, this seems in opposition to the pinstripe suit you put him in earlier. I know one could wear a suit over a t-shirt, but the two lines evoke quite different people. With pinstripe we get the impression of a hard-working, serious, perhaps slightly anal fellow (an image topped off by the gold rimmed glasses), while a see-through shirt is more erotic, conveying a dark lothario.
He sits in front of me twisting his words 'neath an irish accent "Irish" should be capitalised.
and bending the chair with his weight like a French Vogue-beauty over the four-poster in Amsterdam. Again, good simile, but doesn't really contribute to the narrative. This makes his looks sound pretty and girlish, whereas before he seemed more masculine.
I crack my neck. This line should really be after the next, as otherwise it's just confusing.

The hit slams the back of my seat.
Two children howling and hollering and lashing out, one mother sweating.
Her eyes plead "Don't leave me." when mine make contact The full stop after "me" confused me a lot. I didn't know what you were saying here, and was about to recommend you remove the "when" when I realised it wasn't the beginning of a sentence.
but I'm not their mother and I don't have to help.
I turn back to face the window.
Flight attendants drill for money with speakers and chocolate and alcohol and their souls and a normal sleeping pattern. I liked this line. It was nicely nasty.
The children squeal like greedy rats for chocolate whilst I am just happy
with the Jack Dan's, swishing in my glass. I begrudge the ice.
Seat belts on,
in flight turbulence across the darkening sky. I yawn. Excellent last line. Amusingly cynical.

The central suggestion I would like to make is that you go back to the drawing board and decide for definite just who the man in the first verses is, what he's wearing, what he looks like, what impression he creates.