(content warning) A Doomed Scherzando

[billy]

Haughty eyes
I turn on your nodding, Darling,
my plans for the evening
not yet becoming;
not till you're sleeping.
My splintered conscience is only kindling love this line
for the blazing inferno
beginning below.
Senses, intelligence
tingling with promise
of lust -
promises, trust broken, but
nothing of ours, Darling,
was ever enough.
while i get the feeling of subterfuge nothing is clear. the use of Darling feels kind of sly, as though the word means the opposite. we know of dante's inferno from the footnotes but i get some indication that that the blazing inferno spoken of in the 1st is sexual, for me while the above is well written with some great images it feels slightly less, or should i say gives me slightly less than i think it should. the truth is i can't be definitive about what it is i'm missing.
...............................

My sentence might have been laid
to the Second* - great concept in the 1st two lines.
seduced
too smooth and quick,
the devil's fingers
lips, tongue, dick drew juices: more really good lines from 3 to 6
sweet respite
from angels' tunes
sung constant in my mind. lines 7 to 9 counter the above well, balance the sexual depth with reason

while i know from the footnote what the second refers too, i'd like to have actually had it stated instead, (to Dante's Second)

But my soul was signed away to the Eighth** same in this verse with the eighth.
by baiting all 'round,
by viciously
taking them down
one at a time
designing, combining
newer ways
of spinning lies
to wrap them to lips felt good to this point
of spinning ties
to wrap them to tips for me this line doesn't work to well
my puppets, hopping
to staggered metronomes'
ticking and tocking
in a brilliant scherzando. great last 4 lines in this verse. brilliant image
the feeling of guilt at this point wants to be immense and yet it isn't (for me) i love how it's just factual 1st person admission of acts committed. if anything it seems like there's pride in the accomplishment of their ruination, if that's the correct word.

I'll tell them all, you know,
that they've been played;
blame the other
for corrupting my nature
as they fight for ego,
their own interests
slightly strained
by disarray created
in their friendly midst.
the cruelty in this verse is palpable the need to strike back as evident as daylight (to me)
And one long day
while steeping in shit,
I may wish
I'd listened to the angels.
i love that the last verse shows no remorse at all, just an acceptance that if remorse does ever come the consequence of how the 1st person in the poem acted, was worth it all.


*'Second' and 'Eighth' referring to the circles of Hell in "Dante's Inferno".

Scherzando - a musical term meaning "playfully"...it's a mood of music.

I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with this. Though I believe in its content, I'm not sure if I properly conveyed a feeling or connected with the reader (among other things). Rip 'er up, Ladies and Gents. [:

it connected with me jestalessa, though i'm not sure if it was in the way you intended, i got a feeling of reprisals. of some kind payment having to be made for pain suffered. a hardening of attitude emotions to the point where emotions were non existent apart from revenge of some kind.

definitely a keeper. (jmo)