01-30-2011, 12:17 AM
The disused canal:
You've got great images here that convey a sense of loss and decay. These images stay fixed in the reader's mind. Some of the lines are wonderful--my arms ached like a mother's to hold one of those buggers--a graveyard for rusty bicycles and missing shopping trolleys--these are my favorite lines. I would take out, "once crawled the urban sprawl and replace it with another image, like discarded clothing or shoes or a big cardboard box that once embraced a refrigerator, something like that, anyway. Also, I would do this piece in a rhyme scheme. And add a few more living images like the snake or birds too.
I'm not quite sure of the Stanley stainless steel thermos that was easy on the lips--you mention it twice.
So, if the intent, the premise of the piece is to remember a once great place and juxtapose it with the bleak reality it is today, then I would add a few more things that would show us what it was like, crowds of people fishing on a sunny day, voices, children laughing--some guy selling ice cream. Just my idea here if that was part of your intent. Or perhaps add more fish stories. As the piece stands now, I'm not sure what I would classify it as--maybe it is not necessary to classify it as anything, but I do not think I would call it a poem. Would love to hear your thoughts on my comments--jim
You've got great images here that convey a sense of loss and decay. These images stay fixed in the reader's mind. Some of the lines are wonderful--my arms ached like a mother's to hold one of those buggers--a graveyard for rusty bicycles and missing shopping trolleys--these are my favorite lines. I would take out, "once crawled the urban sprawl and replace it with another image, like discarded clothing or shoes or a big cardboard box that once embraced a refrigerator, something like that, anyway. Also, I would do this piece in a rhyme scheme. And add a few more living images like the snake or birds too.
I'm not quite sure of the Stanley stainless steel thermos that was easy on the lips--you mention it twice.
So, if the intent, the premise of the piece is to remember a once great place and juxtapose it with the bleak reality it is today, then I would add a few more things that would show us what it was like, crowds of people fishing on a sunny day, voices, children laughing--some guy selling ice cream. Just my idea here if that was part of your intent. Or perhaps add more fish stories. As the piece stands now, I'm not sure what I would classify it as--maybe it is not necessary to classify it as anything, but I do not think I would call it a poem. Would love to hear your thoughts on my comments--jim