Iron

[billy]

I seem to remember the breathe poem had red balloons

“You are a red balloon
The earth no longer wants.
As gravity loosens its grip, would loses be better, (gravity is constant)
You feel yourself ascending-
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood to onlookers below.” why is this verse 1st person, does it need to be? is 'to onlookers below' needed?

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced.
At least, not that kind. this triolet needs some expansion for me

Outside,
The moon is an old light-bulb where else would the moon be but outside?
Flickering beneath smoke.
Sometimes, if the clouds are thin,
It peers dimly through as if would 'it dims as if' suffice
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away. i like this verse very much.

But the earth,
The earth is alive with music-
Winter air, tires on snow,
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note-
Filling him with the weight of life
And dread and memory-
The empty chair, the
Footsteps and turning of a lock. i really like this verse.

He looks out of the window-
“Only this could leave me
With such heaviness.
It’s taking-"

And suddenly, sleep arrives.
Not with the lightness of
A red ballon, but balloon
A slow sinking, concrete tied what is a concrete?
To the soul; blood becoming iron- love this line
Sending him into the waters of dreams. a

some good images. specially the 4th. it strong.

It peers dimly through as if
It were dying, reaching for
Its last words, only to slip away. feels a little weak to me

the last verse closed of the poem well.
are the quotation marks needed? for me it made do double take without
achieving anything new. i couldn't read the verse as 1st person per say,
still that could just be me.

i like the ambiguity of it. and need to think a bit more about before i come to any sort of solid conclusion.
a good poem for me, thanks for the read as always Lawrence