The Evil Within You I Adore.

[billy]

Just edited, what do you think?

---

I wanted to redeem myself for those things we did,
But when I hear you I can't stop myself,
A smile arrives like an evil toad,
In my throat and cuts my voice box, [reads much better]
I never intended it to be this tempestous, [tempestuous]
Leave me alone now so I don't want you more,
There's a good boy, as I fall to the floor,
Don't look back, I'm just fine,
Like there was never a vicious crime,
And in full swing I can rhyme and feel,
All that took place doesn't seem real,
But I'd be better off going to sleep,
There's no secret I've locked so deep,
And I know you hate these mushy tales,
But everything else in my brain simply fails,
You're the one that makes me feel,
The one that makes me ache,
Is that a good enough way
To say I loved you too?
[much better without the two lines you removed]

I've never really been much cop when it comes to the comma and stop of it all, I can only throw all my emotions into one basket in a way some people cannot. Just asking, have I done it correctly and what do you think of it now?

first off i'm not sure what the correct way is or even if there is one.
does this edit read better for me? it certainly does.
with the lines you removed (bravely removed) throughout the poem makes it reads as a more complete piece. it doesn't let the reader wander away from the theme of it.
throwing your emotions into the basket is the perfect way to write i think.

if i had a little advice to give about the comma thing it would be this. never use them till you know how. (it's easy to learn but for now) where you'd put comma, use a line break.

the same with caps at the beginning of a sentence, though with them, there's no hard and fast rule. but if you only use one after the preceding line has used a period (full stop ) you can't go wrong. and for me it helps in letting the emotions you throw in the basket be seen more clearly.

anyway. and excellently brave edit, especially as this is only the mild crit board. thanks for the read LF
(jmho)