10-29-2010, 11:47 PM
Hi fico,
Since this is mild, let me throw a few comments your way:
1) Watch your apostrophes. In the case of Life's you get it right because you're using it as a contraction for life is, and in S2 it's is correct. In the other areas you need to remove the apostrophes. You are mostly going for plural forms of words and not trying to indicate possession ironically it's in S3 needs to lose the apostrophe because in that instance you do mean for there to be possession. They are minor typos but should be easy for you to clean up so that don't distract from your content.
2) This seems like it would be successful as a spoken word piece. The conversational style has sort of a hip authenticity to it. As a spoken word piece you can tell us things and it feels natural.
3) When you commit it to writing words like just, maybe, mostly come across as filler words. I don't mean they can never be used, but often they don't add much.
4) Here's the thing, when you say something like these issues still haunt me. We the readers believe there are probably some issues that haunt you but they are so on the surface that we are left to guess (and that strips the poem of its emotional power). Try grounding statements like that in an image or an event. It doesn't have to be shock value but it simply needs to connect us with the moment. Here's an example to show what I mean (this poet had issues with her father) This is The Tooth Fairy by Dorianne Laux:
http://voodooverse.wordpress.com/2008/03...anne-laux/
Again fico there's a nice cadence here and I think you've identified one of the core places you go to find inspiration for writing. I would encourage you to try to take us a little below the surface.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
Since this is mild, let me throw a few comments your way:
1) Watch your apostrophes. In the case of Life's you get it right because you're using it as a contraction for life is, and in S2 it's is correct. In the other areas you need to remove the apostrophes. You are mostly going for plural forms of words and not trying to indicate possession ironically it's in S3 needs to lose the apostrophe because in that instance you do mean for there to be possession. They are minor typos but should be easy for you to clean up so that don't distract from your content.
2) This seems like it would be successful as a spoken word piece. The conversational style has sort of a hip authenticity to it. As a spoken word piece you can tell us things and it feels natural.
3) When you commit it to writing words like just, maybe, mostly come across as filler words. I don't mean they can never be used, but often they don't add much.
4) Here's the thing, when you say something like these issues still haunt me. We the readers believe there are probably some issues that haunt you but they are so on the surface that we are left to guess (and that strips the poem of its emotional power). Try grounding statements like that in an image or an event. It doesn't have to be shock value but it simply needs to connect us with the moment. Here's an example to show what I mean (this poet had issues with her father) This is The Tooth Fairy by Dorianne Laux:
http://voodooverse.wordpress.com/2008/03...anne-laux/
Again fico there's a nice cadence here and I think you've identified one of the core places you go to find inspiration for writing. I would encourage you to try to take us a little below the surface.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson