If, if...,

[ficosdarkness]

Hey this is a cool idea for a poem, and I'm interested to see how you develop it. One minor point:

When you can direct the line more at the other person do it.

For example:

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

At the very least make it:

If I were your heart beat

And to echo Billy a bit you can go a little nuts with what the person would do. Think EKG, Digitalis...think of the steps that other person would do to rip you out of their life. Again it's a great idea for a poem and I think with some work you can make it exceptional.

Best,

Todd

---

Hey this is a cool idea for a poem, and I'm interested to see how you develop it. One minor point:

When you can direct the line more at the other person do it.

For example:

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

At the very least make it:

If I were your heart beat

And to echo Billy a bit you can go a little nuts with what the person would do. Think EKG, Digitalis...think of the steps that other person would do to rip you out of their life. Again it's a great idea for a poem and I think with some work you can make it exceptional.

Best,

Todd

Thank you very much for your input, Todd. I take it all in from you guys, you are all so talented. I was actually going to write "inside yourself to rip me out..." but I second guessed myself. That'll be the last of that! Much appreciated critique.

---

Liked reading this... a great idea for a poem that, as the others said, you could really use to push the envelope.
I like the progression of the individual scenarios you built up (some work better than others... the sunscreen line, for instance, sounds a lot less forceful than your other examples). i like that it gets to the heart of the matter in the last few lines, but also at that point it gets too prosey for me ("would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate"... find a way to phrase this so it flows better).
A real imaginative approach. Nice work

Thank you, Addy and you are right about the sunscreen line. Spot on, this is my 3rd poem and I wasn't really comfortable with this form of poetry, but I'm taking this all in and I will apply it. You are all very encouraging to me, don't give up on me, I'll get better, I think