10-26-2010, 04:34 PM
Liked reading this... a great idea for a poem that, as the others said, you could really use to push the envelope.
I like the progression of the individual scenarios you built up (some work better than others... the sunscreen line, for instance, sounds a lot less forceful than your other examples). i like that it gets to the heart of the matter in the last few lines, but also at that point it gets too prosey for me ("would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate"... find a way to phrase this so it flows better).
A real imaginative approach. Nice work
I like the progression of the individual scenarios you built up (some work better than others... the sunscreen line, for instance, sounds a lot less forceful than your other examples). i like that it gets to the heart of the matter in the last few lines, but also at that point it gets too prosey for me ("would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate"... find a way to phrase this so it flows better).
A real imaginative approach. Nice work
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?