10-08-2010, 11:27 AM
The self-loathing in the face of God, how you see yourself as unworthy of his appraisal, calls to mind Emily Dickinson. I'd recommed her piece "My Life had stood - a Loaded Gun": http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/englis...6/gun.html. As addy said, it could do with being a bit more concise, but on the whole is heartfelt and sweet, with a pleasent chorus. In the third stanza, though, I'd put replace "more quiet" with "quieter." Sorry, I'm just a grammar freak haha.