10-06-2010, 05:04 AM
The syntax confused me at times. This line, for instance, just doesn't seem right: "such passion made you mine alone till grave/know you my love." Are you saying that said passion made her yours until the grave "knew" her? I think you sacrificed too much cohesion in pursuit of the archaic meter, and though this poem has promise, some lovely, Milton-esque ideas and natural images, they're lost in the construction.
Another line which I have a problem with: "as awoke from slumber/knew I, your form;" I would have written that like this: "as I woke from my rest, knew I, your form." You'd have to sacrifice the rhyme of "slumber" and "cumber," of course, but I think that makes more sense.
Also, the lack of punctuation tripped me up a bit. I would have put full stops after the words "dawn" in the first stanza, and both "grace" and "place" in the third, and a comma after "hell" in the final couplet.
Nonetheless, the second and third stanzas have a few great images; "carried upon a stream/woven by Morpheus," - the notion of a stream being weaved is awesome - "conceptuality/danced and dallied" - the best line here, I think - "an ardent nymph," "led my soul to sacred place" - both charming and jolly and sweet. And the final rhyme of "hell" and "bell" is simply orgasmic.
So, in conclusion, great here and there, and with a solid concept, but the archaic construction obscures the beauty.
Another line which I have a problem with: "as awoke from slumber/knew I, your form;" I would have written that like this: "as I woke from my rest, knew I, your form." You'd have to sacrifice the rhyme of "slumber" and "cumber," of course, but I think that makes more sense.
Also, the lack of punctuation tripped me up a bit. I would have put full stops after the words "dawn" in the first stanza, and both "grace" and "place" in the third, and a comma after "hell" in the final couplet.
Nonetheless, the second and third stanzas have a few great images; "carried upon a stream/woven by Morpheus," - the notion of a stream being weaved is awesome - "conceptuality/danced and dallied" - the best line here, I think - "an ardent nymph," "led my soul to sacred place" - both charming and jolly and sweet. And the final rhyme of "hell" and "bell" is simply orgasmic.
So, in conclusion, great here and there, and with a solid concept, but the archaic construction obscures the beauty.