The Sweet Eater

[billy]

Changed the poem up with some edits.
What do you think? Is it better or worse?

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That stuff’ll rot your insides, boy
and he thinks:

That’s some good voodoo
Licking peppermint fingers
With tongue painted
The pure blue of poison frogs

He knows, as

Crushed magic stirs drool
Like medicine men before him
Like wild men before him
That the secret
Is...

There are no secrets.
Only pleasure.

The cola hisses.
He swallows til
It hits the spot;
Blood oozing clean sap
So slow he’d never die
So sweet they glaze
His very bones

is the comma needed o the first line, if you keep it,would oh boy work better

would L3 of the 2nd stanza read better as; with painted tongue

the comma in he knows, as

would crushed magic evokes drool work better.

i really love the last stanza. nice write and for me it reads better.