01-25-2010, 03:30 PM
That was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.
Instead of separating with "this is what really happened", I think you should number the poem (Part I. , then Part II.), and I guess you could title the second part as Part II. What really happened... something like that.
The only line I disliked was in the first part... "a silent tear of joy did its perfunctory trickle"... perfunctory just sounds too formal, almost antiseptic.
Nicely done
Instead of separating with "this is what really happened", I think you should number the poem (Part I. , then Part II.), and I guess you could title the second part as Part II. What really happened... something like that.
The only line I disliked was in the first part... "a silent tear of joy did its perfunctory trickle"... perfunctory just sounds too formal, almost antiseptic.
Nicely done
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?