okay i tried to change it up with all ur guys suggestion and i used ur line addy. if u dnt want it to be there then i could change it and sorry for doing so with out ur consent lol here it is 2nd draft lol or 1st? o well!..
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
first off, i think the edit is much better in every way than the original.
the form is better. it reads better. it's a lot less cliche though some cliche remains. you use poetic devices. and the cut down version is way more appealing all round.
that said; we now have a definitive article to give feedback on.
first verse;
You swept on like a wind and I'm left in your wake
you swept on like the wind that left me in its wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
It was a book whose story was cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
a song without a chorus, played over and over
so it now looks like;
you swept on like a wind that left me in its wake
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
a song without a chorus, played over and over
enjambment is a poetic device used to make a line end act as a stopping point so lets try using it;
You swept on like a wind
that left me in its wake.
With our scrap book on my lap;
Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
A song without a chorus
played over and over.
of course what i did isn't the best of edits but it will hopefully give an idea on how to go through the rest of the poem. (jmo)
i have to say you did a great job
i see you wanted some feedback re ;
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
it feels a bit disjointed flow wise.
how about;
I once played melody
now I just strum melancholy,
idk if i should keep the title i think i shouldnt idk what do u guys think? and remember i dnt mind if u guys dnt like it just b honest!!! oh and i dnt kno if it will make sense when it says "now i strum in melancholy" lol i play music
You swept on like the wind and I'm left in your wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
I would've said sorry but blue can't turn green
You left a map that leads to your discovery
I was your biggest fool, it was all about you
As I see summer fade, and clouds darkening the sky
I'll prepare for the weather without a sigh.
The sun will shine again, and birds will flock North
Flowers will bloom, and kids will return to the pool.
first off, i think the edit is much better in every way than the original.
the form is better. it reads better. it's a lot less cliche though some cliche remains. you use poetic devices. and the cut down version is way more appealing all round.
that said; we now have a definitive article to give feedback on.
first verse;
You swept on like a wind and I'm left in your wake
you swept on like the wind that left me in its wake
With a scrap book left on my lap; Niagara falls falling.
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
I was a book you read, my story became cliche
It was a book whose story was cliche
I was a song that had no chorus, kept playing on replay
a song without a chorus, played over and over
so it now looks like;
you swept on like a wind that left me in its wake
With our scrap book on my lap; Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
a song without a chorus, played over and over
enjambment is a poetic device used to make a line end act as a stopping point so lets try using it;
You swept on like a wind
that left me in its wake.
With our scrap book on my lap;
Niagara falls was falling.
It was a book whose story was cliche
A song without a chorus
played over and over.
of course what i did isn't the best of edits but it will hopefully give an idea on how to go through the rest of the poem. (jmo)
i have to say you did a great job
i see you wanted some feedback re ;
I once played a melody now I strum in melancholy,
it feels a bit disjointed flow wise.
how about;
I once played melody
now I just strum melancholy,