All About you

[Therrin]

for the question; Does it make sense, yes of course it does but as a piece of poetry it really needs to lose most of the cliche Therrin. (btw, glad to have you in the forum )
theres too little difference for me to choose the best one so i'll start with the first one.

all i can do is try and break the poem down, sections in bold denote a cliche (a well used phrase or sentence)

A part of my heart says to look for your love
but the other side says it has had enough
You don't want me and it hurts to know
You've moved on so fast
and you've left me alone.
You've left me with all these memories,
memories of love, I thought that it wouldn't have an end, but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool, It was all about you
But one day you will see the feelings I have felt
You will soon be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart, I told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough to forget??
I'm left with just one clue, and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool. It was all about you...

half of my heart looks for your love
the other side can't be bothered
You don't want me and it hurts
You've moved on, left me alone.
You've left me
with all these memories of love,
I thought it wouldn't end,
but it was just a game.
In your game I played a fool,
It was all about you
one day you will see how I felt
You will be the fool and it won't be about you.
I've poured out all my heart
told you how I felt,
I know I've made a mistake
but wasn't our love big enough?
I'm left with just one clue,
and it makes me feel so blue.
I was your biggest fool.
It was all about you...

you need some strong original images therrin, in order to make it your own work. you could add only a few images and cut the poem by half. you have a lot of repeat concepts and phrases. (repetition) that don't add to the overall effect of the poem.

without being rude. why not put a short poem in and i/we'll when the others get on line help a little at a time. lets say we'll help with the cliche first, so as not to make you feel overwhelmed, maybe the form as well.

after that we can show you how to create an original image and use some poetic device such as alliteration internal rhyme and rhythm etc.

thanks for sharing the poem

thanks for viewing and giving suggestions and advise... yes, I am a beginner but I Love poetry... I want to be able to create all that image and you know all that good stuff. I guess you could help to give tips, I'm a fast learner! lol Umm ill post another short poem which is like 6 lines. thanks and i appreciate all of this