06-21-2010, 07:46 AM
Thanks for the feedback guys 
Yeah, the last stanza is the most polished, and the one with the most readily apparent depth... you're correct that it's a progression, so the last comes of as the "wisest" (or at least the one with the most backwards perspective). The rest of it... yeah, I'm not the best at enjambment, and it I'm sure it comes off as very clumsy at points
Even though you say that the childishness worked after a while billy, it would probably be better to polish it a little so it doesn't sound so grating upon first read (like you said, you didn't like it at first). The capitalizations are definitely distracting, so off they go
Again, thanks very much for the read and your helpful comments
Yeah, the last stanza is the most polished, and the one with the most readily apparent depth... you're correct that it's a progression, so the last comes of as the "wisest" (or at least the one with the most backwards perspective). The rest of it... yeah, I'm not the best at enjambment, and it I'm sure it comes off as very clumsy at points
Even though you say that the childishness worked after a while billy, it would probably be better to polish it a little so it doesn't sound so grating upon first read (like you said, you didn't like it at first). The capitalizations are definitely distracting, so off they go
Again, thanks very much for the read and your helpful comments
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?