Ever After

[billy]

Wow, I'm braving serious critique LOL

This is not my best poem... on the contrary its terrible right now, I can barely edit it. But I'm out of inspiration so I figure this is a great way to get some more ideas in it

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Once upon a time
A baby was born
Then died
The end.

Once upon a time
A baby was born
Crying buckets
Before he learned to laugh
And laugh til the years
left little lines
By his eyes
And his lips when
He smiled
Til he stopped
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
With brown eyes
And polished buttons
Who kissed good girls
Filed his taxes on time
And recycled
But was proudest
Of that one time
He punched Jerk-off Sid’s
Tooth out
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a boy
Who was a man
And he loved three girls:
One he kisses
On mothers day
One on valentines
And one he carried
Round and round
In his arms
Til he couldn’t
The end.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who loved lightning
And good opera
Hated politicians
And carnivals
And was ambivalent
About sunblock
(Too bad
But he liked the sun)
The end.

Once upon a time
Things happen in the middle
Then they pass like
The fading spots of
Seasons
Stars
And all those things
That stay even
After they don’t.

a little bit of work on the enjambment and everything's capitalized, thoughts not doing it is only a pref of mine


i loved the third stanza to the end. i think many men would see themselves in your poem addy.

And was ambivalent
About sunblock
(Too bad
But he liked the sun)
The end.
i found the above quirky and lovely. throat lumpy lovely actually

in truth i find it rather childish and it feels like it needs a complete overhauling edit.

yet i find it deeply, insidiously perfect (apart from a little enjambment).


i almost had a tear in my eye by the 2nd and 3rd read.

it's one of the silly poems that gets less silly and more perfect with each read.

thanks for the posting of it .hy: