01-17-2010, 11:29 AM
(01-12-2010, 07:47 AM)addy Wrote: I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just meYeah it does flow better, a litle to well in fact.). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)
The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go
When a person is consumed mind and soul by the emotion one has for another and there is deep intense good and bad in the scene then there is a bit of FLUSTERING going on and I thought was emotion was subtly apparent in the first draft.
But then again I dont write poems

). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)