06-09-2010, 03:42 PM
Bianca, I agree with Addy that this poem needs a bit of distillation. But given your misgivings I'd suggest that you turn this into a cycle poem - that is to say, a poem of many parts that still pertain to one event or theme. I have to mention that you already have a near-perfect title for a such a cycle poem.
All you need to do is take everything you've written and re-break the lines, then put them in parts. For example:
I.
The day before the Fort Hood
Shootings
I came down my drive
Towards the mountain,
And the forest was burning!
It frightened me,
The fire was violent,
was it an omen?
II.
12 dead 31 injured
while the minutes ticked away
and we read the news of the day
one injured became the dead.
13 dead and 30 injured,
the paper read
after we slept.
Does anyone else feel outrage?
III.
[And] she was pregnant…
That makes an innocent baby
One of the lost.
(And they didn't count the baby
in the total on the headlines)
Why is that?!!!!
I'm so angry, I cannot cry.
Hardly any change, and yet there is improvement, don't you agree? And just to complete the cycle, you can choose write a final stanza/part similar to the vein or structure of the first part. It may provide a kind of empty resolution reflecting frustration over repeating tragedies such as this.
Just a suggestion.
All you need to do is take everything you've written and re-break the lines, then put them in parts. For example:
I.
The day before the Fort Hood
Shootings
I came down my drive
Towards the mountain,
And the forest was burning!
It frightened me,
The fire was violent,
was it an omen?
II.
12 dead 31 injured
while the minutes ticked away
and we read the news of the day
one injured became the dead.
13 dead and 30 injured,
the paper read
after we slept.
Does anyone else feel outrage?
III.
[And] she was pregnant…
That makes an innocent baby
One of the lost.
(And they didn't count the baby
in the total on the headlines)
Why is that?!!!!
I'm so angry, I cannot cry.
Hardly any change, and yet there is improvement, don't you agree? And just to complete the cycle, you can choose write a final stanza/part similar to the vein or structure of the first part. It may provide a kind of empty resolution reflecting frustration over repeating tragedies such as this.
Just a suggestion.