06-09-2010, 08:35 AM
I like the theme of this... no matter how determined you are, no matter how desperately hopeful, fear and doubt can set in. In fact, sometimes fear feeds off of that desperate hope.
I think the repetition of one phrase makes quite an impact ("So many ambitions, dreams to fulfill) but it doesn't work as well when you also repeated "captivated by fear" (stanza two line two, and last stanza last line) so I'd suggest rephrasing the line from the second stanza.
There are a couple of commas in there that you don't need I think; "But, that doesn't stop me.." "Yet, I'm captivated by fear.." You can leave out the commas and lose nothing
I think the repetition of one phrase makes quite an impact ("So many ambitions, dreams to fulfill) but it doesn't work as well when you also repeated "captivated by fear" (stanza two line two, and last stanza last line) so I'd suggest rephrasing the line from the second stanza.
There are a couple of commas in there that you don't need I think; "But, that doesn't stop me.." "Yet, I'm captivated by fear.." You can leave out the commas and lose nothing
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?