Overheard (v2.)

[matsunosuperfan]

Overheard

my favorite uncle and his brother
talking in the kitchen Sunday
about days like this
in Vietnam:
I like this opening because it gave me the closeness of the whole family and also the step closer between individuals within that group.

“Thing is,” my father’s voice, recognizable
as splitting skulls: “if you want an omelet, well
you’ve got to break some eggs.”
I like "splitting skulls", gives me a rough, tough voice that has been through it.

Favorite Uncle grunted, downed
his drink and clapped my father
hard, and it was almost Christmas, so I knew
I like the drink, the numbing. I took Christmas as a time when doubt is suspended, blind belief. Also a time when adults are often too busy to notice the eavesdroppers. Not thrilled with break on "knew".

it was the truth. Next morning, I heard my mother
mention Denver, so I flanked the sleeping kitchen,
climbed into the fridge
Denver tied to omelet, the bits and pieces that kids try to put together. Flanked gave me again hiding just out of sight, waiting.

and went to work. In time the villagers
awoke, nobody was happy. That’s when I learned
not to trust a word a soldier says.
You might end on "nobody was happy".

1st draft, minor changes 
Overheard

my favorite uncle and his brother
(that’s my father) talking
in the kitchen Sunday
about Vietnam:

“Thing is,” my father’s cracking
voice, “if you want an omelet, well
you’ve got to break some eggs.”

Favorite Uncle grunted, downed
his drink and slapped my father
hard, and it was almost Christmas, so I knew

it was the truth. Next morning, I heard my mother
mention “omelet,” so I flanked the sleeping kitchen,
climbed into the fridge

and went to work. Nobody
was happy. That’s when I learned
not to trust a word a soldier says.

So, my notes for what it's worth, I think it's a keeper.

Thank you for reading! I always appreciate your notes.