Air of Water

[busker]

There are some strange word choices here - annum, sky-tied, moonshine, etc and the punctuation makes it harder to follow.

If you’re translating from the original, then it reads almost like a word for word.

I wouldn’t suggest that you rewrite it entirely, but it has to work in the English idiom

Could you please clarify your feedback here, as translations are meant to translate. Do you speak Chinese and can understand the original poem? Also what does 'english idiom' mean. Thanks for the help - Deor Ana Log

You can translate word for word or you can translate the gist of the thing
Or something in between
The closer you are to word for word the odder some of the word choices will seem. Sky-tied might be one such.
An idiom such as “taming the breeze” doesn’t exist in English. Unless you meant it literally or were being extremely poetic. Even then, I’m not clear what that line means.