A Perfect Heron

[matsunosuperfan]

Hey matsuno,

The piece has a nice slice-of-life voice, and the imagery is wonderful. It comes off as meditative. Comments below.

A Perfect Heron

Our bodies carved an X into the earth carved doesn't seem like the right verb. maybe something along the lines of "imprinted" or "left"
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog

collapsed around the lake, like they I find myself really wanting to hammer home their "stupidity" in these lines, to justify its use. something like: "...around the lake, then emerge / astonished that they couldn't find more fish..."
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair. thus far, the image is striking but it comes off too surreal in what has been a pretty grounded voice imo

Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud comma, methinks
instead of doing myself harm, I pray. I'm tempted to wholeheartedly suggest omitting this entire stanza. I'm not quite sure what it is adding, especially if we're not delving into the specifics of this harm, what the harm means

There was a short man with a long gun
on that purple evening we took Aspen down i like purple evening. i can infer aspen is a pet---dog most like
to run wild over all the sudden flowers.

You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning, elegant lines, previous stanza included

every ant had its own sun. Sometimes, hm, the way this is written makes it hard to imagine the addressee actually saying all of this in one breath
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you. 

It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot. i feel like something tactile is needed for the end. i want to feel that gunshot thunder in my chest

soz for double-posting but I am gagging for feedback on this one <3

Thank you for sharing. Cheers!

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Very helpful insights. 

I suppose I will respond to some individual notes/questions as they are being echoed:

-"carved" was actually originally "left an impression" but the line wants fewer beats, I think
- I do like mixing registers, I know it throws some people off. maybe here it is a distraction... or just needs to be more smoothly handled.
- no, no comma there  

-people don't like my favorite stanza, oh well, brush y'all haters off XD 

I like your idea of making the gunshot tactile at the end. could do something with that. again very much appreciated for the detailed feedback.