09-10-2026, 11:06 PM
Lovely imagery and emotion here. The uniqueness and specificity of it are what make it feel so authentic to me. I can hear the sobs of the son, smell the bubblegum and cigarettes. I agree with matsunosuperfan's comment - it just needs a bit of trimming. Identify which lines are most sensory, most essential to the story, most unique, and experiment with cutting the fluff.
I find it very relatable... not to get too personal but I also lost someone close to me quite recently and it's true that certain memories don't register as important until after the person gone. Smells that were once annoying are suddenly nostalgic. I find myself comforted by a musty old urine-stained blanket that I would have found gross a month ago. If this piece is autobiographical, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you've been able to turn your grief into art.
I find it very relatable... not to get too personal but I also lost someone close to me quite recently and it's true that certain memories don't register as important until after the person gone. Smells that were once annoying are suddenly nostalgic. I find myself comforted by a musty old urine-stained blanket that I would have found gross a month ago. If this piece is autobiographical, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you've been able to turn your grief into art.