A Perfect Heron

[wasellajam]

Hoping to quell your impatience and my tendency to not post here are some first impressions.

This sparks my interest, some lines I love, I don't think it's perfect yet.

A Perfect Heron

Our bodies carved an X into the earth
where we had sat for hours watching
stupid birds dip their blue heads into the fog
The X works for me, it has me seeing two sitting crosslegged, together but separate. Stupid does a lot of work disabling the peace I might get from the following lines.

collapsed around the lake, like they
couldn’t find another fish, or figure out
whose turn it was to brush the water’s hair.
I love "the fog collapsed around the lake", very real and ethereal. I like "brush the water’s hair", awkward enough to make me think but the movement works.

Sometimes, when it’s late and no one’s there
to hear the silly things I say out loud
instead of doing myself harm, I pray.
Not sure these lines are needed but if they are I'd prefer a replacement for "doing myself harm". It provides the break needed for the change of scene (same location, different incident), but it's a description of a state of mind instead of an expression.

There was a short man with a long gun I like long/short.
on that purple evening we took Aspen down
to run wild over all the sudden flowers. Yes to sudden flowers.

You said it looked like someone
dragged a bag of seeds behind them
overnight, and in the morning,
You might lose these commas.

every ant had its own sun. Sometimes,
I like the things you say so much
I have to kiss you.
Beautiful and effective 6 lines.

It was a perfect heron
and he killed it with one shot.
Ugh but it's growing on me. At first it took me back to the opening morning but waiting to hunt, took me a bit to apply it to the short man. But in the end, all that loveliness blown up, so job done.

soz for double-posting but I am gagging for feedback on this one <3

Hope this helps, made me start a poem, thanks for begging.