08-20-2026, 01:36 AM
Thank you! Made some edits with your crit in mind.
(08-13-2026, 08:34 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: Great, great language. Maybe a few too many lines in a row of dense, ungrounded, pithy declaratives - it was a real breath of fresh air to get the sister in the backseat of the rental in S2. Might be lazy of this reader to want more like that in S1 but this reader nonetheless does. Mea culpa.
The first three lines are just stellar poetry.
The rest of S1, I am mostly convinced by, but it does begin to take a little effort. If I were in a bad mood I can see myself finding this speaker a tad pretentious, or at least presumptuous, or at least a bit willfully vague, a touch too watery. (desperate vespers..prayers never meant for... earth, moon... visions... far away... touch the sublunary... kinda a lot, YKWIM?)
I'm a hypocrite bc I put starry shit in the end of one of mine recently, but this ending does feel more generic than I'd like it to. The rest is so strikingly originally and personally voiced. Hold to that standard, IMO.
Yeah it's all just a bit too much in the wisps-of-significance direction at the moment; some more narrative-adjacent exposition and concrete imagery would be welcome. But I really like the tenor of this piece and think it's doing fantastic stuff with its diction.