You ask me why. I tell you that

[matsunosuperfan]

(1) The speaker saw a man cross the desert in that fashion. Was the speaker a border guard, callously or helplessly watching someone be so slain by the wilderness? Had they been watching some video? Or were they just making the whole thing up? Then, with all this in mind, there is something rather off about that final sentiment: the speaker just saw a man die, or perhaps they just imagined a man die, and all they could derive from it is that sometimes they want to die like that too. There's also the matter of the setting, being Afghanistan and Iran---the death should be very politically charged---and yet, again, it all just revolves around some general notion relating solely to the individual, solely to the speaker. The speaker's ideas or imagination seem woefully limited for an image that should be more memorable.

(2) "patchwork scarf ballooned a tent around his head to block the glare" is a complete phrase, it can't just be subordinate to the sentence that goes "he gave his last words to the sun's miasma". it would make more sense to be "ballooning", even "ballooning too".

(3) The man from Afghanistan speaks to his mother about his brother as if he weren't also her son. Likewise, "forgive them, for God's sake" is ambiguous, only I don't discern any meaning behind the ambiguity: is he asking his mother to forgive his debts? to forgive his friends? is he asking his friends to forgive his debts?

Overall, it's mainly point one. For an image that should be so interesting---a man dying as he crosses the desert---what one gets is all too unsympathetic or at least unperceptive. Sure, some of the effects are nice, like the consistent employment of watery images or the decent command of line lengths, but it's all to an end either too cloudy or too dull.

Hey, thanks for reading and offering such thoughtful feedback. I kept not really liking the way this came out, and I think you've done a good job identifying some of the reasons why.