No Shelter on the Front

[matsunosuperfan]

Hi, likewise, thanks for your detailed comments—they’re very helpful
 
Yeah, it was a shame: ‘mantles’ and ‘vaunting’ had the connotations I wanted but I think the second half has become too Latinate and solemn.
I got enthusiastic about the ‘vagrant stare’ being doubly ‘out there’, as in on the cold of the front as viewed from the window, but then further unmoored, including from the people beside him, ‘off to sea’. But also a shame that that this remains unoriginal.

I appreciate your comment about including the speaker’s psychology too directly.

I’m quite attached to these lines:

[i]the glancing smiles,
Which skipped and swivelled to the wash,
Or shone their glistening teeth aground,
And gently lost my gaze.

But maybe they do lose the voice a bit. Could be some of the vocab, but perhaps the whole thought is a bit sentimental?

Otherwise, thank you for your encouraging words. I think I’m just going to cut the second half and try to maintain the style of the first in some new verses.   

[/i]

I like those lines, too. I think "gently lost my gaze" is a bit of a letdown to close that run, and the main culprit for the creeping-in of sentimentality there.