06-30-2026, 04:47 PM
straight fire
please don't change the wonderful "but builds cathedrals" line, which I found a provocative departure from normative syntax. the line has good sound, too.
suggest posisbly "where your gravity pools" or "collects" or similar to address Busker's crit, which I didn't think of myself but now am inclined to co-sign
agree we want to avoid any whiff of cliche as the sentiment is a familiar one, and mostly expressed with a satisfying novelty of diction that should be privileged
I can't shake the instinct that the first stanza is mostly warm-up or needless exposition that could be aggressively trimmed or reconfigured to be less stagey
well, it's a lovely and striking poem <3
[/quote]
Thank you for taking the trouble to comment. I tend to agree the first stanza doesn't contribute a lot and needs editing to get over my dodgy astronomy. I might consider deleting it entirely and starting at "And there you are".
Thanks again.
please don't change the wonderful "but builds cathedrals" line, which I found a provocative departure from normative syntax. the line has good sound, too.
suggest posisbly "where your gravity pools" or "collects" or similar to address Busker's crit, which I didn't think of myself but now am inclined to co-sign
agree we want to avoid any whiff of cliche as the sentiment is a familiar one, and mostly expressed with a satisfying novelty of diction that should be privileged
I can't shake the instinct that the first stanza is mostly warm-up or needless exposition that could be aggressively trimmed or reconfigured to be less stagey
well, it's a lovely and striking poem <3
[/quote]
Thank you for taking the trouble to comment. I tend to agree the first stanza doesn't contribute a lot and needs editing to get over my dodgy astronomy. I might consider deleting it entirely and starting at "And there you are".
Thanks again.