Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis (milo, billy)

[milo]

idk man ngl I was pretty bored the whole time
way too still life for my taste
couldn't find any thread of interest to attach to, and the rhyme is so thudding and plain 
also every stanza follows the same syntax which adds to the droning feel 

there's so little direct sensibility that the poem feels like a riddle/puzzle
personally I don't like it when that happens 

and because everything is a generalized declarative, I never feel like I *am* anywhere
all the imagery and action is abstracted, with the result that "there's no there there"

the lack of immediacy and particularity also makes it hard for me to buy the "we" address
who is this "we" 
it seems similarly vague and abstracted, hence unconvincing

the project reads p pretentious and self-involved to me as a whole. maybe it's just not to my taste <3

I did like the bit of figuration with "veins" thought that was a strong move

It could potentially be a taste thing and it is tough to say - perhaps he will return some day and read your comments and work to improve it - he does come back from time to time.

Most of your observations are much better for the author and you to discuss as I don't really have any thoughts about them (and some really do seem to be soved by taste or by reading it more than once) but this one in particular is interesting:

and because everything is a generalized declarative, I never feel like I *am* anywhere

And perhaps an interesting discussion for others as well (not sure this thread is the best spot for it but hrug

I agree - declaratives - especially general statements - are a big turn off for me as well in verse.  It makes me wonder if there is a mechanic property or statement piece etc.  then tends to lead to overuse of declaratives in poetry.  In this case - we have the Villanelle which famously lends itself to a host of structural flaws and is generally hated with the proper amount of exposition on this very board.  

I think I will do a little research and see if other famous (or maybe not so famous) villanelles lead to this same kind of flat foundation making it a property intrinsic in villanelles.  I may take some time to examine some of my own writing and see how often i fall into that same trap.

Thank you for the interesting discussion.