Today, 12:34 AM
[quote="Michael" pid='281214' dateline='1781362746']
you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach.
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand
when I look into your eyes.
I remember how you moved within the gyres, - whirl?
tiny snowstorms, black on white,
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time,
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise.
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine?
- intertwine sounds forced poetic IMO - what do voices sound like? or become? or impact? etc.
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky,
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, - line not necessary IMO
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, - foolish not necessary IMO - like this line btw shows not tells
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? - nfinite not necessary imo, 'rainbow's singularity' is confusing to me, singularity alone might carry the image "and the way a singularity aligns in your smile"
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight.
I do not know how to begin the end,
how to say goodbye.
For me this poem is about falling in love or not and committing to someone the writer has become infatuated with, but a turn at the end, and now for an unknown reason the writer must leave the relationship? An effort to describe moments of questions and desire and concern - do I really want to go through with this? is the feeling reciprocated? There is hope and despair.
We see a lot of a weather conceit in this poem - dawn, silver galaxies, snowstorms, open sky, rainbow. I feel like I'm jumping through multiple seasons/weather events that interrupt the flow and I can't figure out how that applies to what I am taking from the reading.
I think this a very good beginning with strong elements of truth - the tension in feelings, the questions I, too, have deeply felt, the limmerance. What are you afraid of? Being alone, or being in love? Or something I totally missed. I feel there is a gem in here that begs to be shaped and polished.
you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach.
You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. - might try to combine first two lines into a single sentence
Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, - Don't need yet IMO, suggest describe, not tell, what you mean by 'nature's fragile countenance' where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand
when I look into your eyes.
I remember how you moved within the gyres, - whirl?
tiny snowstorms, black on white,
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time,
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise.
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine?
- intertwine sounds forced poetic IMO - what do voices sound like? or become? or impact? etc.
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky,
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, - line not necessary IMO
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, - foolish not necessary IMO - like this line btw shows not tells
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? - nfinite not necessary imo, 'rainbow's singularity' is confusing to me, singularity alone might carry the image "and the way a singularity aligns in your smile"
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight.
I do not know how to begin the end,
how to say goodbye.
For me this poem is about falling in love or not and committing to someone the writer has become infatuated with, but a turn at the end, and now for an unknown reason the writer must leave the relationship? An effort to describe moments of questions and desire and concern - do I really want to go through with this? is the feeling reciprocated? There is hope and despair.
We see a lot of a weather conceit in this poem - dawn, silver galaxies, snowstorms, open sky, rainbow. I feel like I'm jumping through multiple seasons/weather events that interrupt the flow and I can't figure out how that applies to what I am taking from the reading.
I think this a very good beginning with strong elements of truth - the tension in feelings, the questions I, too, have deeply felt, the limmerance. What are you afraid of? Being alone, or being in love? Or something I totally missed. I feel there is a gem in here that begs to be shaped and polished.