Yesterday, 10:19 PM
Hello Michael- some in line notes, below:
you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. very interesting opening
You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. a tad weak follow on with this line
Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, bolded image is very good
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand once again, a tad weak with the follow on line
when I look into your eyes.
I remember how you moved within the gyres,
tiny snowstorms, black on white,
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, interesting change here- but less abstraction would help
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise.
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine?
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky,
past every roof beam, past the horizon line,
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime,
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? this section could be more concrete with its imagery
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. nix the part I crossed through ?
I do not know how to begin the end, very good penultimate line
how to say goodbye.
I think you're close with this one. I'd like to see less abstraction, and more concrete details to bring it down to earth and closer to the heart.
Solid effort here, and worth refining.
... Mark
you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. very interesting opening
You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. a tad weak follow on with this line
Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, bolded image is very good
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand once again, a tad weak with the follow on line
when I look into your eyes.
I remember how you moved within the gyres,
tiny snowstorms, black on white,
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, interesting change here- but less abstraction would help
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise.
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine?
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky,
past every roof beam, past the horizon line,
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime,
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? this section could be more concrete with its imagery
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. nix the part I crossed through ?
I do not know how to begin the end, very good penultimate line
how to say goodbye.
I think you're close with this one. I'd like to see less abstraction, and more concrete details to bring it down to earth and closer to the heart.
Solid effort here, and worth refining.
... Mark