Hypersphere tattoo

[wasellajam]

Hi, Michael, a few notes.

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. You

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. 

This is unclear, it was said each night or it will ignite each night?

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, 
"rivers of silver galaxies" is a beautiful image, the rest of the line seems unnecessarily abstract.

where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  
when I look into your eyes. 
Wordy, and a change to current tense, you could consider "where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I saw in your eyes."

I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, 
I like "gyres", the next line I just don't get and wouldn't mind it gone. I like temple/trembles, the whole line seems over-alliterated, it might help to drop "in a tremble of time" to the next line.

stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. 
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine? 
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, 
These four lines achieve the feeling of movement but the first two have an immediacy that doesn't quite suit and "will our voices intertwine?' is cliche and unnecessary. You could probably condense these four lines into two.

with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, 
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? 
These lines are sweet with the first sign of affection.

I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. 
I do not know how to begin the end, 
End here.
how to say goodbye.

Hello poets, I'm new here and sort of new to writing in this fashion but would like some criticism on this before I decide to give it to someone. Thank you very much! Michael.

So, just some ideas that occurred to me for you to consider, others may take a different view. Try your hand at leaving comments for others, it's amazing how much you can learn about your own work by trying to help someone else. Welcome to the site, thanks for posting.