2 hours ago
Watching cars drive by.
It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey. (I enjoy the music of this stanza, but it's a bit flat as an opening, and "like painted honey" isn't the most arresting figuration to announce the poem's intentions with.)
A car drove by, as cars are wont to do, (for instance, the poem could begin here and I would not complain)
an old car, though this century,
not the old that I remember,
the cars [of my dreaming.] (This bit of editorial seems appropriate, but the language could be more inventive and particular)
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri, (I love this evocative list of names...)
[exotically suggestive,] (...and so I find this follow-up of plain labeling superfluous and disappointing)
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (good way to introduce the underlying trouble. this was smoothly handled)
I sat and watched other cars go by,
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung to the
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath. (idk, this stanza is trying hard and I appreciate language like "clung to the side of the smoky tarmac" and "desperate grass", but in terms of the poem's narrative arc I would still like more movement and energy to happen here. it's beginning to feel a bit too "still life," while you've introduced this undercurrent of human drama that I want to feel more intensely developing)
Chipping, chipping,
till my fingers bled and
I had to pick out the
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects, (love this run!)
[desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.] (agree this final couplet trends a bit melodramatic; good gesture, good impulse, maybe try again with the execution)
The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
[in that Seventies afternoon light.] (I'm still not convinced this line justifies its sentimentality; feels like a good candidate for a darling to kill)
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (boo to the summative gesture as ending! we can do better, and the poem deserves a more ambitious close. I'm with you for the sunlight slipping and the quivering metal skin, but otherwise this last stanza needs to do more and try to do more, I think)
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I think this draft has good heart and the occasion is compelling. I find myself wanting a lot more drama from the scene, which is present but feels a bit incidental to the occasion right now. The speaker understands the connection between the images and the more emotionally charged declaratives, but sometimes I find myself straining across that gap. To me it feels like there is a missing element that could bring more of a sense of thematic coherence to the piece and "clue me in" better as to the particulars of what makes these cars passing so evocative for our speaker. Thanks for sharing your work with me <3
It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey. (I enjoy the music of this stanza, but it's a bit flat as an opening, and "like painted honey" isn't the most arresting figuration to announce the poem's intentions with.)
A car drove by, as cars are wont to do, (for instance, the poem could begin here and I would not complain)
an old car, though this century,
not the old that I remember,
the cars [of my dreaming.] (This bit of editorial seems appropriate, but the language could be more inventive and particular)
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri, (I love this evocative list of names...)
[exotically suggestive,] (...and so I find this follow-up of plain labeling superfluous and disappointing)
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (good way to introduce the underlying trouble. this was smoothly handled)
I sat and watched other cars go by,
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung to the
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath. (idk, this stanza is trying hard and I appreciate language like "clung to the side of the smoky tarmac" and "desperate grass", but in terms of the poem's narrative arc I would still like more movement and energy to happen here. it's beginning to feel a bit too "still life," while you've introduced this undercurrent of human drama that I want to feel more intensely developing)
Chipping, chipping,
till my fingers bled and
I had to pick out the
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects, (love this run!)
[desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.] (agree this final couplet trends a bit melodramatic; good gesture, good impulse, maybe try again with the execution)
The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
[in that Seventies afternoon light.] (I'm still not convinced this line justifies its sentimentality; feels like a good candidate for a darling to kill)
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (boo to the summative gesture as ending! we can do better, and the poem deserves a more ambitious close. I'm with you for the sunlight slipping and the quivering metal skin, but otherwise this last stanza needs to do more and try to do more, I think)
[/quote]
I think this draft has good heart and the occasion is compelling. I find myself wanting a lot more drama from the scene, which is present but feels a bit incidental to the occasion right now. The speaker understands the connection between the images and the more emotionally charged declaratives, but sometimes I find myself straining across that gap. To me it feels like there is a missing element that could bring more of a sense of thematic coherence to the piece and "clue me in" better as to the particulars of what makes these cars passing so evocative for our speaker. Thanks for sharing your work with me <3