A Few Days Before your Birthday

[wasellajam]

Hi, bryn, a lovely gift. I get a strong picture of the night you'll have and can imagine myself a guest under the white tent listening and am critting as such. I've got a few nits and one issue although I'm sure you'll be fine if you stick to it as is.

Trying to do something special for my wife's 60th birthday, as if that isn't obvious.  I am going to read it before a good number of people so putting it out there to get a general read.  Appreciate any and all comments.


A Few Days Before Your Birthday I like the title, starting before the actual night.
 
On the patio it’s spring;
your 60th year.
 
I hear the call, no,
the chorus of the spring peeper, If it's not a call why mention it. I'd prefer call to chorus (cliche and not as thought provoking) but not both.  You  know I have had the same thought when reading other's writing when they do the same thing.  I just added it on my last edit so easy to remove one.
Pseudacris crucifer, how they sing--
the give and take of their eager song I like this phrase here as it alludes to marriage.
and then the bark of a distant fox I like the hint of uh-oh mixed with what is just spring.
to mark their own beginning "They" confuses me, it seems to referring to the singular fox, might be resolved with "Together they mark..."  Are you referring to 'their'?  Meant to be used in the possessive.  Is that an incorrect use, you think?
Sorry, yes, "their", if it applies to "a fox" I would have used "its" but I can see that "their" may be acceptable, just read as needlessly confusing to me, wasn't sure if it was frogs and foxes together.
to this symphony, a tune too familiar, why too? if they're always new?  I can't resist being explainy.  Meant to be a nod to the fact that every spring is the same, leaves grow, flowers bloom but it doesn't matter how many times one goes through it, it's still a joy but each beginning is also a reminder that another year is gone for good.
Yes to "familiar", I guess I was avoiding the wistfulness of "too", from my view she's too young to not be enjoying it full out. Your poem.
somehow always new
against the memory of another year. By using "another" you seem to mean both the coming birthday year and the past, nice.
 
In this moment, I see
where, soon, the tent will rise, white I'm unsure about the stress on "soon" the commas cause, speak it and decide whether you want to slow that line so much.
against the bright sky,
guests will arrive with their gifts "guests" seems off when addressing your nearest and dearests.  I see your point.  Trying to think of a more sentimental term...failing
Tough one. To use "Friends" you'd need to change "friendship." A synonym list just makes "guests" seem all the more wrong. I lean towards the obscure "kith" but possibly the blunt "loved ones". Fixing on your preference for 6:30 maybe guests is fine.
of friendship dressed in the glitter
of their best backyard finery Made me smile.
and there will be singing and a cake
whose candles you might mistake
for a funeral pyre, tho’ blown out with ease, Here's my issue. Although the pyre is death and "blown with ease" counters it with vitality, I don't think I'd like to party for 60 with "funeral" stuck in my head. You've already brought in crucifer so nicely subtle. Maybe something like "disaster" instead of "funeral pyre" or like "raging pyre", something survivable.   I also see your point here.  Have to give it some thought, but I'm inclined to leave it for the dark humor aspect.
death denied with a breath, let it burn--- Somehow "death" doesn't bother me as much here, maybe because it's denied. I know it's denied above too, I think it's all the acute feelings that the word funeral brings with it that bothered me above.
I say, what better measure of your life
than the glow of such faces as these
held in the light of your years? Lovely and flattering to attendees.
 
Here we are in celebration
from 6:30pm to whenever. Something's off about 6:30, cold, maybe reworded to use "longer days" instead.  This refers to the invitation so the party goers will be okay with it, I think.
My birthday wish,
as the shadows of day spill into night,
you celebrate each moment to forever. Lovely.

Lucky wife to get a poem, have a wonderful evening!
Oops for basic but you can ignore it all.

Hi Ella,

thanks a bunch for reading and giving me some thoughtful comments.  I have a few days yet to noodle around with it.
Take care,
Bryn

Have fun!