05-07-2026, 01:41 PM
Technical notes:
I don't think the title needs that comma.
Each stanza could end like the first, with a period, rather than be left but semi-punctuated, or maybe you could go with em dashes to signify continuity.
Echoing someone else, it's either "till" or "'til", not really "'till".
Strictly a comment, rather than a suggestion: I always find it interesting when accentual verse bunches together two stressed syllables, as in L7's "a MUral of CHE // IN his beRET".
Also more of a comment: L9 could also be read as having a stress too much, "SLOWly FAding aWAY" rather than "slowly FAding aWAY", but a few more readings purge the notion.
Substantive note:
I feel kind of uneasy about this one. Not that I particularly sympathize with the ideology that would motivate this place to put Che into a prominent mural, but there is a sense that the piece takes its present poverty as a natural consequence of the ideology, rather than as something with a more specific cause, a cause whereby one could actually and definitively point at some greater power in the wrong. I would feel a bit less uneasy if the piece hinted at that better: say, if the horn playing the blues was more clearly from an equally impoverished part of said greater power.
I don't think the title needs that comma.
Each stanza could end like the first, with a period, rather than be left but semi-punctuated, or maybe you could go with em dashes to signify continuity.
Echoing someone else, it's either "till" or "'til", not really "'till".
Strictly a comment, rather than a suggestion: I always find it interesting when accentual verse bunches together two stressed syllables, as in L7's "a MUral of CHE // IN his beRET".
Also more of a comment: L9 could also be read as having a stress too much, "SLOWly FAding aWAY" rather than "slowly FAding aWAY", but a few more readings purge the notion.
Substantive note:
I feel kind of uneasy about this one. Not that I particularly sympathize with the ideology that would motivate this place to put Che into a prominent mural, but there is a sense that the piece takes its present poverty as a natural consequence of the ideology, rather than as something with a more specific cause, a cause whereby one could actually and definitively point at some greater power in the wrong. I would feel a bit less uneasy if the piece hinted at that better: say, if the horn playing the blues was more clearly from an equally impoverished part of said greater power.