Drowning

[wasellajam]

Welcome to the Pen. The poem reads well, although the meter is not consistant it is strong enough to pull the poem along. Some notes on my read below.

Why is this happening to me?
        Why is there so much blood?
              This is simply too much blood.
Coming to the conclusion of L3 feels off after the confusion of the first two lines, stops the action. Also, any blood exiting the body is always too much.

Running down her throat
        and out of her mouth
                from overfilled lungs
                    onto the floor, the plagued
Nile quickly draining out
        too weak to resist as the body
                begins to swallow itself.
Plagued Nile is strong, as is the change from "she" to "the" body. cold.

Gurgling wet whimpers
        bubble to the surface
          as I siphon liters
            of blood and marbled clots
                  into a bucket.
Gurgling is already wet, "wet" seems unnecessary.

Both of us unsure
          how we got here
                  or how to get out.
I hope my eyes
            can speak loud enough
                  to tell you I’m sorry
                        I got us so lost.
Now the narrator has gone from cleanup person to active partipant. The body cannot be unsure, possibly a change from "here" to "there" might ease my confusion.

They’re all rushing in now.


Eyes bulging
    like a bunny
      caught by a fox
        unable to move
          or speak. Forced
To silently scream,
    staring at the little
      white lies leaving
        my lips
drenched in bright red blood.
The bunny lines are a strong image. The last line is weak and for me let the poem down. I'm okay with drenched but "bright red blood" reads as a flat cliche.

I am very new to poetry and have been writing for about a month. All criticism welcome so I can progress. Ty

I still can't quite get my feet under me with this poem but that's okay, maybe. I hope you find my notes helpful and that you enjoy the site.

Also, as far as your desire to progress, IME critiquing has been the greatest teacher, forcing myself to analyse what works and doesn't in someone else's work helped me learn technique and give my own work the same care. And giving feels good, dive in.